Soul Searching

Hello World, im writin this blog because i felt it was very necessary. writing is one of the very few ways i can release. when i write, im able to leave this world i live in and some how put myself in another. it relieves the stress that builds on my chest every second that im breathing. Latley i've found myself in various mind states. im up one day and down the next and i often question why im like that. truth is i dont know. i guess im jus at that stage in my life where im confronted with so many options, but at the same time, presented with no options at all. (feel me?) as a young male teen, and black at that, i know that alot is required of me. and alot is expected, from God, from my parents, my religous leaders, my girlfriend. often wondering if im good enough to please God and my parents, and concerned about wether im able to keep my girlfriend happy. wondering if my parents see me as the good kid i am, hoping they dont totally hate the person i am, or the person ive become. aware that im not the same Emanuel. i have to realize they only want the best for me and i shouldnt live in the moment like i tend to do. and on the other hand im soo scared to commit because i cant totally trust my girl, due to issues im dealing with myself, i cant expect her to trust me when i cant trust her completely. so what do we have? im so worried about her getting with another nigga that i flip on her whenever she mentions one. not realizing that im probably pushing her away in the process. i find myself jus desiring alot but i find myself no where in the posistion to obtain it. i see the way i want to be, but i snap back to reality and see that thats jus not me. but these are jus a few of the struggles i face when i wake up. aware that some have it worse. im also aware that others have it ALOT better. i jus wish i was as fortunate. Being Emanuel isnt easy. for those who think im just this jolly person ALL THE TIME, you are very wrong, i hide my struggle behind the smile you see. So for those who assume, come walk a mile in my shoes.